Groundhog Day in Punxsutawney Pa

The Legion of Dumb gets more members.

Question of the week:
Is it dumb to travel 6 hours in the middle of the winter to do a hash and then see a rodent?
It’s hard to refute. However, now that it’s over, even though it was pretty god-damned dumb, it was well worth it. To travel that distance and endure the sleep deprivation necessary to enjoy the antics was thrilling. To go to Punxatawney, and participate in a well-known slice of Americana was memorable (Now… if I could only remember…). To get bragging rights that I attended the actual Groundhog Day event: PRICELESS. (Cross that off the ‘Bucket List’!)

Dog E's Photos (that reminds me, I gotta get a new camera!)
http://www.kodakgallery.com/ShareLandingSignin.jsp?Uc=8vsl89vv.brvprmrr&Uy=-wmdsxf&Upost_signin=Slideshow.jsp%3Fmode%3Dfromshare&Ux=0



Hit the View Slideshow then the Play Button.

TRAVEL
Simple enough directions: Summit to Harrisburg (really Enola): 151 miles, a tad more than 2 ½ hrs. That part seemed simple enough. The directions just had 4 lines: Rt 78 turns into 81S. Exit 65, south 1.9 miles look for Toms service station. The trip west took about that amount of time, but the drive was done with the windshield wipers going the entire way, sometimes on intermittent, but on the whole time.
When I got to the designated Tom’s station, I was alone (Enola spelled backwards) for about an hour, until the other hashers started showing up. I was heartened by the presence of a hasher’s car in the lot; it turned out, it was left by someone who had left for Punx earlier in the day. About 5PM the cast was assembled. Through the miracle of cellular technology, we knew of BushRat’s adventures with the rental company. With the addition of one late-cummer, we were off by 6PM. We then loaded the van with warm clothes and hot hashers for the second leg:
I was with 10 of my closest friends. That’s not to say I liked them, it’s just that we were squeezed into the 15(!?) passenger van for the three and a half hour -166 mile ride to the “camp”. If memory serves, the van was populated by these hashers: Chapped Lips, COGO, Da Piss Mode, Dog E Style, Dude -Where’s My Mullet, Eager Beaver, Kodick Moment, Lunachic, Quarter Stick, and Sticky Buns.
The trip was good-natured, and well lubricated with intoxicating beverages. We were all in good spirits in eager anticipation of what was to come. Of the 10, only 3 were TPL veterans. The cell phones were getting a workout trying to include dozens of other hashers in our frivolity. (TubSlut and Deathwith were among those contacted) We spent some time singing dumb hash songs, sometimes discussing our favorite episodes of the Dukes of Hazzard, we also made contact with the Nittany Valley bus coming from State College. Wise-assed, Just Matt called to lie that their bus was broken down en-route to Punxatawney. BushRat, our designated driver/tour guide, endured our antics while navigating the icy roads of western Pennsylvania.

Duck Island
We arrived at ‘Duck Island sometime around 8:30PM. The anticipation of Duck Island didn’t live up to its reality. What it really was was someone named Kathy’s house and backyard. The island part comes in because a portion of the yard was separated from the rest by a pair of footbridges, which crossed icy-snowy streamlets. The owners, Kathy and her husband aren’t hashers, but were very tolerant of hash behavior. It was a suitable staging area to keep some 60 hashers happy through the long night.
The perfunctory registration process was completed on board the bus, and everyone was outfitted with a powder blue hoody sweatshirt with an embroidered TPL logo patch on the left breast. The giveaway was a bit lame considering this is the ‘last one ever’. The choice of light blue was inspired, making them stand out in a crowd, such as the one we would join by dawn’s early light.
The hashers gathered and ate tons of hot dogs and burgers until midnight when they were summoned to the bus for the hash. Before joining the bus passengers, the hashers took the opportunity to change into their hash clothes. Some hashers were wearing layer upon layer, making them the size of linebackers. The bus was filled and driven to Gobblers Knob. So far, so good…

Trail
Hares: Tu-Tu Fairy, Pork Screw and Bush Rat. (I think there was a fourth, but the brain cells that were used to store that information were lost that night). Weather: 29° under cloudy skies –Perfect for hashing.
As the pack left the comfort of the bus, surly cops met them and immediately started giving attitude. After a photo-op in front of ‘Phil’s sign’ the hares took off with the confidence the pack would follow after ten minutes. However, the cop’s surliness increased to the point of obnoxiousness. (They were guarding a sign at midnight. How much easier duty could you get?) The hare’s were away and after the attitude from the cops, the pack was off in hot pursuit. The 10 minute head start turned into two or three. It wasn’t immediately apparent, but only half the bus got off to do the trail the others were carted off to town to await the pack.
Trail included some snowy fields, but was mostly on icy roads. In many spots each step was so treacherous that hashers were taking baby steps, making the pack look more like the March of the Penguins, than a running event.
There was shortcutting galore, the pack was together for short intervals, coming together then spreading out like a Busby Berkeley production number. Certain savvy short-cutters including Dog E and QuarterStick ran into the hares as they winded their way through the downtown area. Eventually the pack was reunited with the bus-hashers and sent carted back to the ‘island’. To the disappointment of some, the town didn’t look like it did in the Bill Murray movie. As it turns out, the flick was filmed in Woodstock, Illinois.
The trail may (or may not) have looked something like TPL hash map(?).
Upon return to the staging area, the bonfire was smoldering at first but with the help of Da Piss Mode’s dragon breath, and Quarterstick’s combustible contributions, it was raging soon enough.

Circle
Eventually everyone was rounded up and made their way back to our Duck Island. Pork Screw did an admirable job of keeping thing running; he first invited the trio from Portland Oregon to join him for a down-down. Then the usual stuff of visitors, locals FRBs, DFL’s, first timer TPL’s, you know, that kind of stuff.
The most entertaining moment was when the RA grabbed the opportunity and his dick. He slinked to a dark spot on the outside of the circle for a well-deserved pee. Just at that moment, Matt from H5 had a similar idea, with the two in the same place at the same time. Matt walked into the fire-hose like stream. This was much to Matt’s chagrin, but the amusement of everyone else.
This circle is not the reason for the gathering. That wouldn’t come for another 5 hours. After the circle did an abridged rendition of Swing Low, the hash stayed for several more hours of carousing and drinking.
A careful look at the time revealed that the 5 o’clock hour was approaching and it was time to get ready for the rat.
The entertainment for the next few hours was watching not-so- normal NORM, in his endless pursuit of his beer.
“Where’s my F’n 30-pack of Budweiser cans?”
He got some sympathy but the overriding emotion was “What an asshole!” “Who leave a case of beer next to hashers, and expects it to be there 4 hours later?”
The Mis-Management did an exemplary job of buying the perfect amount of beer for the night. The beer ran out at 5:01am, precisely timed to coincide with the departure of the bus for the Knob. The lack of beer played a role on the way back from the Knob, but that’s another story.

GOBLERS KNOB
Arriving at the Knob is like walking into a slice of Americana. The crowd was estimated to be 30-40,000 chilly souls. The Punxatawneyians did their level best to entertain the masses before the big reveal.
Along with singing and dancing they held a bogus version of The Newlywed Game. Shortly after the winners were announced, the second-place couple came forward and got engaged right there. Amazingly, no one except me thought that odd. Not to be outdone, two other wankers also took a knee in front of the chilly congregation. So for those scoring at home, (way to go!), that’s three newly engaged couples at the stump.
After this lovey-dovey stuff the skies lit up with fireworks. I exaggerate. The firework extravaganza was less then QuarterStick goes through every evening before bed. There was some speculation that the noisy boom-booms would awaken the rodent-of-honor prematurely. Those worries proved to be unwarranted; Phil wasn’t aroused until he was handled (sound familiar?).
So that brings us to another point of contention… The hash is known as TERRA PORCUS LUX -(TPL for short, in case you were wondering about all those TPL’s above). What the hell is Terra Porcus? What it isn’t is the scientific name of the groundhog in the stump. Phil’s official name is, Marmo ta monax. This Terra Porcus is a latin translation of Ground (Literally: Earth) and Hog (actually pig but who’s counting) Lux also means Light for what that's worth.

So at precisely 7:25 AM the crowd was whipped into a ecstatic frenzy by the prospect of witnessing history.
Lost souls: 2 hours to leave the Wal-Mart plaza. Appropriately Shadow was last seen at the Knob.

Scandal:
Although the skies were obviously overcast, the Groundhog Day President, Bill Cooper didn’t seem to notice. (There was some speculation that this man was also known as DB Cooper, the famous plane jumper from the 70’s. The plot thickens.
“President, DB Cooper announced that the rodent had seen his shadow. There wasn’t a shadow within 100 miles. There was no groundhog shadow for two compelling reasons:
1. The skies were overcast, with snow in the air.
2. More importantly, the sun hadn’t even come up yet.
a. The official reached in and grabbed the world-famous rodent at precisely 7:25AM, a full minute before the sunrise.
b. Don’t think that I made an error looking at my watch. I keep very accurate time –the The National Institute of Standards and Technology —calls me for the correct time.
Those facts notwithstanding, the media spread this false truth throughout the world.
I’m calling for a congressional investigation into this scandal. If a fine citizen like Roger Clemens has to undergo the scrutiny of a congressional sub-committee, then the ‘Inner Circle’ should also be brought to bear.

Sidebar A
http://aa.usno.navy.mil/data/docs/RS_OneDay.php
The following information is provided for Punxsutawney, Jefferson County, Pennsylvania (longitude W79.0, latitude N41.0):
Saturday
2 February 2008 Eastern Standard Time
Begin civil twilight 6:57 a.m.
Sunrise 7:26 a.m.
Sunset 5:34 p.m.

Predictions and official photos: http://www.groundhog.org/prediction/
The ‘Main Stream Media’ was well represented at Gobler’s Knob. The TV and print reporters improperly spread the word, and reported it without a shred of research, fact-checking or skepticism. The only slightly skeptical media outlet was from Pittsburgh’s Channel 11, which reported, “Despite low clouds, fog and freezing Drizzle the nation's first prognosticating groundhog saw his shadow.” Bu!!s^it! There was no f’ing shadow!!
Despite the facts, the truth was not disclosed. This kind of information makes everything else in the MSM come into question. They ALL got it wrong!
· http://www.stormfax.com/ghogday.htm:
· msnbc.msn.com
· The Register of Great Britain
· FoxNews.com
· CNN.com
· ABC news
· Including their Houston affiliate station
· WBIR in Knoxville, Tennessee
· The Chicago Tribune
· Even The Star-Ledger went along with the charade!
· Reuters.com (with a dateline of PHILADELPHIA
Phil's official forecast as read 2/2/08 at sunrise at Gobbler's Knob:
Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Hear Ye!
On Gobbler's Knob on this fabulous Groundhog Day, February 2nd, 2008
Punxsutawney Phil, the Seer of Seers, Prognosticator of all Prognosticators,
Rose to the call of President Bill Cooper and greeted his handlers, Ben Hughes and John Griffiths.
After casting a weather eye toward thousands of his faithful followers,
Phil consulted with President Cooper and directed him to the appropriate scroll, which proclaimed:
"As I look around me, a bright sky I see, and a shadow beside me.
Six more weeks of winter it will be!"

Dumb?
By now you, dear reader, have come to your own conclusion of the goings-on. The Mis-management team have given every indication that this was the “IT'S THE LAST ONE EVER!!!” Terra Porcus Lux Hash.
We’ll see.

Sidebar B
Quote Score:
“F’in rat” – 10
“Who took my F’n Budweiser?” –100
“Smackmybitchup” -10,000

On Out
Dog E Style
DES/mmi