H.@.L.Y. S.H.!.T. hash

Ronen, this your computer sucks –big time. Yes I’m calling you Ronen not Finger In, because I need you to come down here and fix it. I had this write-up 99% done.. I saved it to this work computer. When I came back in the morning it disappeared. No amount of searching or crying could bring it back. Get down here and fix this goddam computer. OK, enough whining, this is a redo, but the one I tried to save was really good.

Holy Cow-Dung Poker Hash!

Hash No. 1138
When: 2/29/08 7:00 PM
Where: Dover RR Station
Hares: Dog E Style, Anal Lick it All, Twatever, Double Dribble (by proxy)
Weather: 30° with a threat of snow in the air.
Hashers: Camel Bowels, Dogmeat, Finger In, GI, Great Sex, Little Sacs, and Massengil.
No dogs, no kids.

Trail included FOUR bars,
~FOUR kilometers,
FOUR Hares,
FOURnicating fun over
FOUR hours done
Once every FOUR Years.
The format was first developed for the 2004 HOLY Sh!T hash: Hash On Leap Year – Sadie Hawkins Is Today. Some dissention of whether this was actually Sadie Hawkins day was brushed off by the hares. It makes for a good acronym, so too bad; Sadie Hawkins is today.
Like an overused cowboy movie cliché, the early arrivers had to wait for the train to pull into the station. Each tick of the clock brought the train closer to the platform. After waiting for the 7:17 train from Summit, Morristown and points east, the only gunslinger to arrive on that train was Finger In, the rest took more conventional forms of transportation.
Before leaving on the first leg, the assembled hashers drew a card from the deck. Bikers doing multi-stop rides popularized the theme of poker run. The format was for the hasher to draw a card from a deck, and have it recorded on their cards. Since there’s no bluffing or betting, secrecy was not needed. One deck would suffice since the player didn’t keep the card. This would be repeated at each stop along the way. The person with the best hand, second best hand and worst hand will be awarded prizes at the end of the Hash
The whistle blew and the On-On’s filled the chilled air. The pack in hot pursuit of flour soon found them in front of the Unique Bar & Grill. It was unique because it had the most expensive beers in town. It was also one of the most boring places on Blackwell St. It was also not a designated beer check, so the hashers continued their quest, eventually reuniting with the trail. After a brief foray into the environs of the train station, the trail led right back to the station, specifically, Murphy's Third Rail, as luck would have it, the Friday happy hour lasted until 8PM. As the hashers were enjoying their half priced beers, the guitar guy was strumming along in the corner, singing the Simon & Garfunkel songbook. At precisely 8PM the hash was on-out the door.
The second leg, set by Anal was to the west and south of the station, winding up at The Dart just as the snow was starting to fall. This bar was dark and dreary, more of a Rumson place then leap year place. Never the less, it had two major attractions, One: a beautiful bartender, but more importantly for hashers, cheap beer. Any domestic swill was $1.25 per mug. This price was sufficiently low, and the turnout so meager that one of the hares actually bought a round for the hash. (Grand total: $9). Among all that excitement, the third card was drawn.
Camel gave Sacs a lesson in dart tossing. He even knew how to keep score and add up the results.
The men’s’ room, in such a classy establishment had a unique feature. It had a large fist-sized hole in the door. That must be so that patrons could see if the room was occupied.
GI showed up just as the next leg was to start.
DogE thought he would set a good trail. The trail led up into and around a large cemetery. This caused the pack to get dazed and confused, since by this time the snow was getting heavier and starting to accumulate. The chalk marks on trees and poles was obscured by the blown snow. Soon enough, the pack got the scent and made it in to bar #3. The Laughing Lion, a fancy-smancy brew pub, with 101 choices on the beer list.
Looking at the PubCrawler - Pub/Brewery Review of the joint, an astute observer noticed this section:
Beer Quality Beer Selection Food Service Overall
N/A Great Good Good Good
too much fake foliage jennifer byrne, rockaway, NJ (09/29/1997)
That review was either a false accusation or taken to heart, since in the ensuing decade, the fake foliage was no more.

By now the snowstorm was in full force, with a few inches on the ground. The intrepid hashers, led by Twatever, made their way to the final bar of the evening. The ‘trail’ was an out-of-service train track, which followed the Rockaway River for a block or two. The pack celebrated completion of the arduous trail at bar #4; Murray’s a local hangout with at least two potential hashers.

Finishing off the poker run, the fifth card was drawn.

DogMeat was selected as the RA for the hash. The Circle was called to disarray at about 10:30PM. Much to the other bar patrons, we were denied the use of the unoccupied back room, so they got full effect of our antics.
FRB: Everyone
DFL: Camel, he got lost following white marks, instead of the hare. (There weren’t any trail marks for this section)
Poker: Best hand: Anal with three jacks.
Second best: Twat, who had pairs of queens and kings.
Third best: Sacs, with a pair of kings.
Worst: Massengil, queen high
Not paying attention: Finger In, who only had four cards.
Anal magnanimously refused the top prize, donating it to the bar bill. (Magnanimously was not easy to spell at the fourth bar)
Finger In mentioned that the first part of the trail was vaguely reminiscing of the worst trail ever –the one he set a few years ago. Leading from the train station to the Dart Bar.
Twatever: For her short-lived career of restaurant critic. She used a pseudonym in the above review of the Laughing Lion.
Little Sacs for surviving another year against all odds. His birthday was a day or two earlier.
Announcement: HOLY SHIT hash #3 will be held on February 29, 2012. The location will be announced sometime in the next four years.
Then the QGM was called. Like an AGM, it was the general meeting that is called every four years, but also each and every hash of the HOLY SH!T H3.
Minutes of the Quadrennial General Meeting:
By acclimation, Double Dribble was voted to another term as Grand Master, “Four More Years”. Other offices included the quadrennial hares were also renewed.
Finally, what’s a hash without a little petit larceny? As last one out the door, Dog E stole someone’s sweatshirt and sparkly scarf. His lame excuse that he thought it was one of ours, was did not go over well with the local constabulary.

On Out,
DogE Style,
Scribe HOLY SHIT hash